The War of the After Baby Bulge.

I say war, not battle (as most people would say because its a coined phrase) because right now, it's more than a mere battle, it's the whole war. Ugh! I know, I know...Little is only 3 months old, it takes time to shed pregnancy weight, I get it...but dear Lord I want my old body back! Right. Now. Nope, still there. Crap. Demanding things doesn't work for Big either, but she tries it so often, I figured it must work for some people. Apparently not me. Hmph!

My belly is really the only part of me I can't stand right now. I've always been a "pear". You know, small on top, larger on the bottom kind of girl. And over the last few years, I've come to embrace my pearness...kinda curvy, feminine, easily concealed by an empire waisted dress, accentuated by sleeveless and low cut shirts...I actually finally like being a pear, but alas, all of that has changed. Looking at my body in the mirror now, I'd say I resemble more of a...hmmm...pineapple. Just big and round all the way from top to bottom. I'd even venture to say that my hair resembles the top part of the pineapple on "stay home with the kids" days. Huh. Oh, but no pokey, texturey things all over me, I have to draw the line at our similarities there...well, unless I don't shave my legs for a week. Gosh, I think I AM a pineapple!! But dang it, I'm NOT happy about it! How does one find their way from pineapple back to pear? Oh, right diet and exercise, yada yada... Doesn't crawling around on the floor to chase a two year old out from under the dining room table 50 times a day count? And how about "dancing like a princess" to every. single. song. in 20 different Disney movies? Certainly I must reach optimum fat burning heart rate at some point! And diet? Please! I have portion control down! A pot of coffee and one shared granola bar for breakfast. Two gnawed on scraps of grilled cheese sandwich and 13 leftover dried cherries (only two of which fell on the floor) for lunch. Five pieces of licked hot dog and 6 cold oven baked fries for dinner...followed by a hot delicious meal all of my own after Big goes to sleep. And to be honest I eat said hot meal while jiggling Little in one of my arms because that happens to be her fussy time...so that's even more calorie burning right there! I think I'm on to something here! So why aren't the pounds dropping to the floor around me?! Oh, well I guess there was the pint of frozen custard I ate the other day, and a chocolate malt the next two days in a row, and two cupcakes the following day, and a hershey bar, oh, and the sundaes I made at home and ate two nights in a row at 10 PM. Oh, and the donut I JUST ate as I was typing this (but it was picked out for me by Big and literally handed to me, so I couldn't not eat it. It might have damaged her psyche for years to come, had I rejected one of her attempts at generosity, ya know?) Huh...I think I'm really onto something here. Dammit.

OK, well, let me make my public vent of hate for my pineappleness my first step in eating better and shedding some of these post-baby pounds. And if anyone is reading this, please feel free to call me on it. In fact, please do because I SUCK at this stuff. And the war rages on...