Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Dear God, it's me again...

Tomorrow is a big day for us. We're taking Little to Children's Hospital to see her cardiologist for the first time in 2 months. It's the first time we've gone longer than a month without a check-up, and while I thought that I would have panicked and called our cardiology nurse 50 times by now, I really haven't. Little has been growing and developing and doing so well with her OT and PT exercises...we've had little reason to contact them with, thank you for that. In fact, she's been doing so well that I've gone and done something I really shouldn't have. I've allowed myself to have just the tiniest bit of hope that her heart is getting better. And, really, I know better than that.

The last time we had her in to see her cardiologist, I was giddy. Little seemed to be growing and doing so well, that I just knew that her heart had to be functioning better...I couldn't wait for her doctor to tell me how much better she was, except...the information downloaded from her pacemaker showed that she actually wasn't doing any better after all. And while she wasn't doing worse, either, I left the appointment devastated. Silly, really...because stable is good...but in all honesty, it just isn't good enough. And, really God, I don't mean to be greedy...she's doing so well, and growing so well, and she's such a happy and beautiful baby...we are truly blessed...and I am sooo thankful for that...but every once in a while, when I allow my mind to go there, I wonder what life might be like for her if her heart doesn't ever start to function better. Her dysfunction is mild, and the pacemaker has corrected her arrhythmia, which really should help her live a good life...but I worry about things like; will she be able to run and play with the other kids at recess? Will she be able to participate in gym class, or will she be the only child in her class who has to sit out? Will she need to take medications her whole life? Will she be able to carry and give birth to babies? Will we have to watch her this closely for the rest of her life, as terrified as we are now that her heart function might be declining? Because I am absolutely fall to my knees grateful that she is stable and that she's doing so well right now but, God, I am terrified at the thought of being this afraid for her for the rest of my life. I really could use your help with this one.

So tomorrow morning, we'll head to Children's for the sedative and the echo...then the reading of the echo with our Doctor. I have sweaty palms already just thinking about the test results. Please, God, make my Little girl better...and give her Mommy the strength to get through this with some sanity and a shred of stability...because Big needs a strong Mommy too, and sometimes I feel like I really could fall apart.

1 comment:

Karen said...

Huge hugs, Jenny. You are such a strong woman - Little got that from you!! You and your family are in my prayers.

Moments background