Running on Empty

I seriously feel like I'm at my limit right now...and I need a rest. My heart aches so deeply just thinking about my poor Little girl and her health and surgery. My mind is continuously preoccupied with visions of our past and upcoming trips to the hospital. No words can pass my lips...and I feel as if I'm sometimes unable to catch my breath. I close my eyes and see the all too familiar walk over the foot bridge into the hospital, the IV cords streaming from her tiny little hand, the white metal crib sitting in a sterile room, with my baby inside. Feeling desperately compelled to watch her heart rate on the overhead monitor, searching for reassurance in the numbers as they flash across the screen, ready to run into the hallway for help every. single. moment. of the day and night. Sitting quietly in her hospital room, watching her sleep, waking at all hours to comfort her in my arms, holding her tight to me and rocking her...feeling the connection between us without so much as a sound. Feeling so much hurt for my child, my beautiful newborn creation...and so much hope for tomorrow. Struggling with so much desperation to hear an encouraging word slip form the tongues of her doctors...dealing with the disappointment of imperfection and reality. Remembering to breathe when I feel as if I've long since slipped beneath the water.

I just want to be able to take my child into my arms and hold her tight to me and know that she is going to be alright. I want to look into her face and see her beautiful smile and for once not have the joy that I feel over her be so closely followed by such tremendous worry. Ughhh, God... I'm not sure I can handle all of this sometimes. I am not that strong. I am begging you, please make her better.

A Bit of a Slump

Yeah, so I haven't been blogging much lately. I know. I'm in a bit of a slump. Not that I don't have a million things going on this summer that are totally blog worthy...we had a fabulous Fourth of July, I'm planning Big's 3rd birthday partay extravaganza, I got to go on a shopping spree with Grandma the other day and now have non-maternity clothing that has no elastic in the waist and actually closes over my new "I've had 2 children and I'm nevah, evahhhh going back into those old jeans, so get over it already woman" body, my in-laws and some friends will be visiting us for like, the next 8 bajillion weekends in a row (one of which Hubby will be out of town for...heh), Big is now transitioning into her "I don't care what you say, I'm going to do it anyway as soon as you turn your back Threes"...which are similar to the Terrible Twos, but with far less crying and far more disdain for authority...really, life is still bustling!! See my smile? (she says through clenched teeth). It's more that every stinkin' time I sit down to write something and tell my brain to go ahead and start warming up...my train of thought goes ahead and derails itself faster than...well, faster than Brett Favre's public opinion nose-dived when he said that he wanted to come back and play for another year. And that's fast people. A sample of said derailing is as follows:

Oh, I have to write about that thing that Big did the other day...that was so funny, man she cracks me up!! OK, so how should I start? Ummm...*brain silence*...gosh...I hope Little does OK with her surgery. UGH! Focus woman! Back to the blog. So...I'll say that she...*more brain silence*...huh...I wonder how many days she'll have to stay in the hospital. It was 3 the first time...I hope its not more than that. I hope we don't get a loud roommate this time...I hope she can sleep OK while we're there. Grr! Concentrate! OK...so I'll write about the other day when Hubby was re-doing the bricks on the porch...poor guy, that was a crappy job...but I wonder if I should be staying the night with her this time...she may need me now that she's older. Yeah I think I will. I hope Big does OK at Grandma and Grandpa's house while we're in the hospital...what am I gonna tell her about Little's absence? I really hate all of this... Oh, the blog...is that still open? Eh, forget it.

And really, this just runs a constant loop in my brain. It's a small miracle if I'm able to sit for more than 15 seconds without thinking about Little's health...and *surprisingly* not in that OMG, won't this surgery be fun!! kind of way. I'm nervous about the procedure, I'm dreading the hospital stay, and I'm hopeful, yet terrified about the outcome. I'm a big, forgetful, stumble-y, unable to complete a thought, super crabby, mess of a person lately...and really, it's not my best moment. So, if you're wondering why I'm not blogging much lately, its because every. single. entry. I'd write between now and the day of Little's surgery would start out as something original and fun, and end up nothing more than nonsensical ramblings about baby hearts and pacemakers and surgeries, and even I don't want to read about that crap. So there you have it.

I do *hope* to be able to return to my normal IQ rather soon after the surgery, however...only time will tell. Thanks for hanging in there with me. Twelve days and counting...

My Little Miracle

Happy 6-Month Birthday Little. You're the most wonderful blessing that ever wandered into my life. So unexpected, but so welcome. So much worry over you, but so much love in my heart at just the mere mention of you. My hear melts with each one of your abundant smiles. I can't imagine what my life would be like if you hadn't made your appearance 6 months ago, not that it's been easy...because it really has been so difficult...but you always come through so strong and resilient. So much pride and hope surrounding you, little fish. My perfect sweet baby. My blessing. My little miracle. I adore each day with you as it passes. Thank you for choosing me.

Turning 30

Well, it's official, a new decade of my life has begun. I turn 30 today.

I have to admit, that there is a moderate amount of panic that comes along with this transition, but overall I really have to say that I'm feeling fine with turning 30. I'm a mom now and a full fledged adult, who makes adult decisions and has adult responsibilities intricately woven into my daily routine. I can acknowledge that without even the slightest hint of palm sweat. In fact, I'd even go so far as to say that I embrace the rigors of my daily life, and take a lot of pride in the life that I've made for myself thus far. I like where I am today...the wife of a wonderful, one of a kind man, the mother of two wonderful, sweet, smart, beautiful girls...and overall, a satisfied, happy woman. So in the grand scheme of things, I simply feel that, starting today, I'm making the transition into a happier, more mature period of my life, and really...what doesn't sound great about that?! Where my 20's can best be described as an irresponsible, selfish, confusing decade, my 30's will instead be a responsible, more fulfilling, family oriented decade. I'm looking forward to seeing where the next 10 years takes Hubby and I together, and am terribly excited to watch my girls grow and develop throughout the next decade, so I'd have to say that I'm pretty OK with it...potential wrinkles, gray hair and all.

So, tonight, as Hubby and Big sing happy birthday to me (while Little looks on) and I blow out the candle on my birthday cake, I'll bid my farewell to my 20's and embrace the beginning of the next chapter of my life, reserving hope that this will be the best one yet. Rock on 30.

Happy (In)Dependants Day!!!

Yes, I know, I spelled it wrong...but I meant to. See, the 4th of July has been my favorite holiday (even more than Christmas!!) as long as I can remember. There was always just something about getting up early and going to the parade, then heading home for some sprinkler play and popsicles, and finally staying up late and eating snacks on a blanket while we watched the fireworks that made me giddy. It's my favorite day of the year. Seriously.

So what could possibly make this day better, you ask? Easy. Sharing it with my children...hence the misspelling above. The last two years that I've gotten to take Big to the 4th of July festivities have been some of the best days of my life. Granted, she cried through most of the parade last year because she didn't like the clowns...or the people dressed up in character suits (dammit Elmo, she's scared! Beat your feet!)...umm, or the motorcycles or firetrucks...or, well...anything really...but things went sharply uphill from there I swear!! Watching her teeny little bikini covered baby butt prancing around, splashing in the streams of water...practically erased the whole clinging to me for dear life incident from my mind. Then later having her snuggle up on my lap while we munched on popcorn and watched the fireworks...just priceless. And this year, I get to share it with two! Rock. On.

So tomorrow morning we will be getting up early (dressing the girls in their red, white and blue uniforms that Grandma purchased for them months ago) and heading out to meet my family at the parade. Then we're all (yes, all 13 of us) heading to a family friend's house for a little barbecue...complete with the traditional slip n' slide, burgers and brats, and cold drinks, yum! And we will finish the day by heading out to watch the local fireworks spectacular, after the girlies have had ample chance to nap and recharge their batteries, of course. I'm not that crazy. I have been looking forward to this day for weeks now...as has Big. She can't wait to see the fireworks this year. After we happened to catch a stray firework in the sky on our way home from Grandma's house last week, she's been all about the fireworks. I'm talking, following me around for days now whining and begging me to "take her to the 4th of July" to see the fireworks, as if it is a destination instead of a date. Hee! No explanation of space and time satisfies her. I'm at a loss. ::shrugs:: It just makes the anticipation of the actual even even I greater, I suppose.

So, this 4th of July, I hope that you all have a wonderful time with your families, and enjoy spending the day sharing your traditions and summer celebrations with your little dependants. I know we will!

Woot!!

Well, it's official! Little is a roller!! Of course I was on my way to work when it happened-grr...the plight of the working mother!-but from what Grandma tells me, Little rolled from her back to her tummy all by herself, three times in a row this morning! She was, understandably, extremely pleased with herself...for a minute or two...and then she was just angry that she was stuck on her tummy. Huh. Next item on the agenda: Figure out how to roll from tummy to back.

Sadly, when I got the call, the first person I wanted to call was our Occupational Therapist, who has spent numerous hours working with Little on the whole "roll over" trick. (Hmm...sounds kinda canine.) Anyhow, the OT will be proud...but instead I called Hubby, so we could gush over our Little girl together. And gush we did...or, well...we do...often. He always looks at her sleeping at night and then says to me (while practically beating his chest with manliness) "We made that you know?!"...and I do. And it still amazes me.

Way to go Little One!! You're such a blessing.

From the Mouths of Babes...

Big has a fantastic vocabulary, really she always has. She started talking at a little over a year and has kept right on truckin' with new words each and every day. She says things like "Mommy, I actually want to wear those shoes, because they match my dress." and "This one is for me, you're going to get one for yourself? Grandpa has one for himself?" Or maybe that doesn't seem all that amazing to anyone but Hubby and I, but her vocabulary and the way in which she uses expressions just floors us...especially all of the new ones that she comes up with every day. Here are some recent ones...

*I was washing bottles (which I now spend a good 40% of my life doing these days) when Big walked into the kitchen and greeted me with "Hey there good lookin'" Umm, what? It's a wonder she didn't walk up behind me and pinch my rear! I must find out who taught her that one...

*We were eating dinner in the kitchen together (a rarity in our house) when Big, thoroughly enjoying her first ear of corn on the cob for the season, announced "Mmmmmm...This is awesome!". I've always loved the word awesome...but I love it even more coming out of my two year-old's mouth. Hee!

*We were riding in the car together the other day, having our regular dance party to the music on the radio - people driving around us must think we're a bunch of nuts - when she suddenly announced "Rock on Mommy" I have no idea where that one came from, but I love it. Gotta love enthusiasm!

*Big was sitting on her little potty after having a totally unavoidable accident. I was less than pleased, but not angry, yet I was still grumbling a bit as I cleaned the pee up with a towel. As I left her room with the tainted towel, I caught her eye and she blurted out "I'm sorry your highness!" Now who can be upset with that?! Hee!

*A while back I was performing the dreaded task of washing Big's hair during her bath. She hates to get the water in her face, but what can you do? I have her hold a washcloth over her eyes, but the reduction in screaming is minimal. As I was finishing up with the rinsing of her hair, the screaming came to a halt and she said to me, in her most distraught voice, "Mommy, you broke my wink!!" Heh. So I wiped the water from her eyes and fixed it...and had a good chuckle once she was in bed.

With all of the terrible surrounding the two's...its lovely to actually enjoy an aspect of this age. I'm soaking up every last laugh she gives me with gusto.