Running on Empty

I seriously feel like I'm at my limit right now...and I need a rest. My heart aches so deeply just thinking about my poor Little girl and her health and surgery. My mind is continuously preoccupied with visions of our past and upcoming trips to the hospital. No words can pass my lips...and I feel as if I'm sometimes unable to catch my breath. I close my eyes and see the all too familiar walk over the foot bridge into the hospital, the IV cords streaming from her tiny little hand, the white metal crib sitting in a sterile room, with my baby inside. Feeling desperately compelled to watch her heart rate on the overhead monitor, searching for reassurance in the numbers as they flash across the screen, ready to run into the hallway for help every. single. moment. of the day and night. Sitting quietly in her hospital room, watching her sleep, waking at all hours to comfort her in my arms, holding her tight to me and rocking her...feeling the connection between us without so much as a sound. Feeling so much hurt for my child, my beautiful newborn creation...and so much hope for tomorrow. Struggling with so much desperation to hear an encouraging word slip form the tongues of her doctors...dealing with the disappointment of imperfection and reality. Remembering to breathe when I feel as if I've long since slipped beneath the water.

I just want to be able to take my child into my arms and hold her tight to me and know that she is going to be alright. I want to look into her face and see her beautiful smile and for once not have the joy that I feel over her be so closely followed by such tremendous worry. Ughhh, God... I'm not sure I can handle all of this sometimes. I am not that strong. I am begging you, please make her better.