No good deed...

A SUPER annoying guy tried line jumping in front of me this morning when I stopped for coffee. I call him SUPER annoying because I saw him get in "line" right next to me instead of behind me (hence, the whole line theory?) while looking right at me. "HMPH!" I thought, and I stepped forward one step...my silent protest to his advanced rudeness. I saw him glance at me out of the corner of my eye and thought "oh, good! Maybe he got the hint."...but then...he started talking to me.

Guy: They aren't going very fast today are they?

Me: No...heh. ("Ughhhhhhhh" I thought "Don't talk to me...just get in line!!" but he clearly wasn't gifted with the power of telepathy...so I looked up and gave him a courtesy smile while I tried to give him a non-chalant flash of my wedding ring. It didn't work...he continued...)

Guy: They need to have a separate line for people who want just regular coffee...those fancy coffee drinks take so much longer.

Me: (thinking "you're going to feel like a total ass when I order a latte Mr.") Yep. This is true.

Guy: ...but you're in front of me...

Me: No that's OK...I'm getting one of those fancy coffee drinks. (laughing)

Guy: Oh, I've offended you already.

Me: (giving another, more obvious flash of my wedding ring) No, it's fine...coffee is faster, you go ahead...(hoping that he would just leave me alone and step ahead)

Guy: Well, thank you!! I usually wouldn't care, but I showed up late and I have these people waiting for me...

Me: No, it's no problem...really. (and really, by this point, I didn't care...if I were just getting a 30 second cup of coffee and had to wait in line for 15 minutes for other people's lattes, I'd be annoyed too. The decent thing to do is to let him step ahead of me, so I motion for him to go ahead and make peace with my decision.)

Another register opens and he shoots right up to the front of that line and orders his coffee...

Guy: (to register guy) I'll have a medium coffee...and...*looks back and points to me* whatever she wants...

Me: ... (*blushing*)

I tried protesting, but he wouldn't hear of it...and at that point, super annoying coffee guy turned into super decent coffee guy. So I ordered and thanked him, and we went about our separate morning schedules, *la la la*, never shared another word. How random.

Not a monumental event in my life, for sure, but a nice little reminder that some people actually do appreciate a nice gesture now and again. Sad that it's so rare these days, in a world where road rage has become a regularly used term, but awesome when you actually stumble upon a gracious person. Maybe we each could try to be the gracious person a little more frequently, to breathe a little life back into that old cliche that no good deed goes unrewarded. I'm not saying that you have to buy something for someone who does something nice for you, but how about making a point to say thank you a bit more frequently, or give a nice wave of thanks to the driver behind you when they let you squeeze in in front of them...you know, small things. Certainly couldn't hurt...might make someone's day. It's worth a try, no?

I'm Stuffed.

I'm stuffed. Can't even think of eating another bite. After eating all of the words that I wrote last Friday, I may never eat again. Seriously.

The trip was fabulous. Both girls were practically angels in the car. My in-laws were fun, and funny, and generous, and loving...just like they always are...and I just totally suck for ever not wanting to go up there in the first place. Don't get me wrong...packing and loading the car made Nightmare on Elm Street look like an episode of Barney and Friends...but within the first 15 minutes of our arrival, I knew that I would be writing this post. Taking the girls up to see my in-laws was worth every sweaty brow, cursing under my breath, trip preparation moment. We're going back for Thanksgiving. They rock.

Excuse Me While I Grumble

Psst...it's me. I have to whisper while I'm here today, because I have a bajillion other things that I'm supposed to be doing right now, and instead...I'm blogging. Don't tell, mmmkay? See, we're heading up to visit Hubby's family a few hours away today and neither of the girls nor I am packed yet. We're leaving in 4 hours. Heh. Hubby's at work until noon, so I have a little time to sit...but I really shouldn't. (You'll understand why by the time you get done reading this.) Anyway...can you keep a secret? I suppose I can tell you...I'm not really looking forward to this trip...umm...at all. Usually I'm pretty stoked, or at least neutral about heading up to see them, as I got really lucky in the in-laws department, but the pure complication of this trip, and oh the friggin effort involved in packing for it is enough to make me never want to leave our home again. Wanna know the short list of equipment that's required for us to take for Little, alone? Not really? Well I feel the need to list it anyways...

*Bumbo chair and tray-So she has somewhere to sit other than on the floor. Will there ever be a moment when someone doesn't want to hold her while we're there? I'm not sure, but I feel the need to bring it just in case they all have something to do at the same exact moment at some point. It could happen...

*Strap on booster seat-No, silly...not that kind of strap on. The kind that's a mini high chair that buckles to a chair, so she has somewhere to eat and can join us at the table when we eat.

*Double stroller - Or "The Pig" as hubby likes to call it because of its sheer weight and annoyance factor...but we both admit that we'd die without it. Anyway, if we dare take both kids somewhere at some point, it is a necessity.

*Collapsible Bassinet - This will be Little's bed while we're there. Nuff' said.

*Baby Bjorn - In case we get somewhere and just don't have the energy to deal with the Pig...or we go somewhere that Big can walk...it's just much easier to pop her in there and go...but oh my achin' back! Perfect for short trips...long trips leave me in traction.

*Play Mat and Assorted Toys - Self explanatory, no?

*Baby Bath Seat - Blow outs happen people...even hours from home. One must be prepared at all times that their little one may need a bath at the drop of a hat...or the drop of a spoonful of sweet potatoes...which is more common in our household.

*Breast Pump and Accessories - Technically this is for her, right? I mean, it's not like I do it for fun. Seriously, people.

Not to mention bassinet sheets, jammies, clothes, dipes, wipes, 5o jillion different snacks and foods (because we're at a really intense point in her speech therapy and she needs a bunch of different tastes each day), 7 bottles, insulated bottle bag, bibs, can o' formula (which totally needs to be redesigned for aerodynamic/packing ease purposes. I'm thinking about writing my Congressman.), and a partridge in a pear tree. And did I mention that we actually have two children to pack for? Hubby is actually contemplating busting out his roof top storage unit...just in case there isn't any room for the 4 of us to sit once we've loaded all of the above into the car. Ridiculous, I tell you. Call me rude, or mean, or ungrateful if you will...but I think that there are just some points in your life (a la now) that it's just easier and more convenient for the grandparents to come to you for a visit...sans the required 8 million pound load of kid stuff that we need to haul to go to them. *sigh* But I'm sure that when all is said and done, it will be Sunday and we'll have had a great time and I'll be forced to eat my words...but for now, excuse me if I grumble just a teensy bit while I get back to packing.

It's not you, it's Little...

Our visiting nurse is trying to break up with me. That is, she thinks that Little is so healthy and is doing so well that we don't need her to come anymore. I'm not sure how I feel about it all. On one hand...it is so, wonderful...so truly, truly exciting that Little seems to be doing so much better since her last surgery. This really is the kind of news that the parent of a child with health concerns dreams about getting, so I really am happy...but...on the other hand...I'm scared! I'm not sure I'm ready to go out on our own just yet, with months between cardiology visits and no one checking up on Little in between! Eek! I think I feel a panic attack coming on!!

Mostly it's Little's continued struggle with eating that worries me. I sometimes find myself living for that every two week home visit from our nurse, so that I can be reassured that I am, indeed, NOT starving my child and that she IS still gaining weight, though sometimes I wonder how. Ack! Maybe this is somewhat comparable to being addicted to crack (go with me here, people)...in that once I'm able to wean myself off of the home visits I'll be able to feel secure in going it alone for months at a time? But I'm thinking that the whole weaning part is the key! I mean, no one expects a crackhead to just stop cold turkey...well not without medical and psychological support anyway! If so Betty Ford would be long since out of business!! Even smokers have the patch to get them through the rough spots! ::wheeze:: But in the end, it just isn't my decision to make...so I guess we'll just wait and see what our cardiologist thinks. I suppose getting branded as too healthy to have at home medical care can't be all bad, right? I just pray that they're right.

A Walk in the Sun

Remember that fund raiser I was telling you about a few weeks ago? The walk for Children's Hospital? Well, it has officially come and gone, and my life is a little quieter now. Ahh. It was this past Saturday, the 20th, and, really, it turned out great! The weather was a bit warmer than expected...like, you know, 20 degrees hotter than the meteorologist said it would be the night before, but who's counting? **coughcough*me*coughcough** It's funny that I never really noticed how huge a difference there is between 62 and 82 degrees...until Saturday...when I had all of us dressed in long sleeves and long pants... and we arrived at the walk location and were already sweating from just getting the stroller out of the car...before even getting the kids out of the car...and long before the walk even started. It. was. awesome, the way that stepping on a piece of glass as your walking along the beach is awesome. Yep, loved it.

Know what else was awesome? Organizers of the walk had shuttles set up to get everyone from the finish line (where you would, of course, park your car) to the start line of the race, for our general convenience. Totally awesome...that is if there had been enough of them to get everyone there before the start of the race...so everyone didn't have to stand out in the blazing sun, holding our hot, whiny children for an hour...getting hotter and stinkier by the moment...in order to eventually pack (and I do mean pack) ourselves into school buses for the 3 mile ride. Friggin. Awesome. Favorite moment? Standing in line for the 50th bus that pulled up in front of the crowd while everyone tried to push their way to the front of the line to get on (did I mention that this was a charity walk? To benefit a children's organization? I did. Ok. Just checking.) when a volunteer who had obviously never been given the power position of holding the megaphone before, loudly bellowed at all of us "Not everyone is going to get on this bus." Really? Cuz I thought we'd all just pile in and do lapsies! No? Someone take the megaphone awayyy from the woman, before she hurts herself...or someone (who is really hot and crowded, and holding a wiggly baby in the sweltering sun) does it for her. Ugg.

Anyway, bitching aside, it really was awesome to see thousands of people storm the streets of downtown Milwaukee in order to raise some well deserved cha-ching for an amazing organization. Little wore her red "Champion" shirt, setting her apart from the masses as a child who has received care at Children's, and napped most of the way. Big ate popcorn, drank lemonade and enjoyed pointing out the various canines in attendance for the day. Local cheer leading teams and bands alternated lining the streets in order to keep walkers motivated and entertained as we made our way along the path to the finish line. Surrounded by thousands of other families, friends and champions alike, it was truly a sight to behold. Worth every. drop. of sweat. Truly.

We ended up with 17 people walking with our team, and almost $700 in additional donations from our friends and family who couldn't make it to town for the event. With great pride, I must say that we really have the most wonderful and supportive friends and family!! A big thank you to everyone who gave their time and money to make this event possible. I can't think of a more worthy cause.

Questions Unanswered

We make friends in the strangest places. For instance, the friends that we recently made in the shared hotel, I mean hospital room that we inhabited during Little's last hospital stay. (It's the little bottles of shampoo and free packs of diapers that they pass out, it gets me every time...just like a Hilton I tell you! A little pricier though.) A shared room?!?! you say? Yes, that's right. Our children's hospital still has shared rooms for patients who don't require ICU level services. I won't beat around the bush, in most cases it sucks. Hearing that you're being upgraded from the ICU should be a great thing. Instead, upon being notified of your "upgrade" a feeling of dread washes over you as you begin to wonder such things as I wonder if our roommate will be loud (leading to the inevitable) I wonder if my baby will be able to sleep if our roommate is loud? Or I wonder if our roommate is contagious (its happened to us twice people...I am not just being paranoid), and I wonder if the parents of our roommate plan to have a veritable fiesta of some sort on their side of the room while we're trying to get some rest. You know, happy thoughts. Anyway, the last time we shared a room, we were pleasantly surprised to meet our roommates, the Grills, who not only made our 4 day stay that much more pleasant by being considerate, caring, responsible human beings (this is a bit much to ask for sometimes I've discovered) but also introduced us to caringbridge.org. They had set up a support site in order to keep their friends and family informed about their daughter's condition and had gotten much joy out of the experience. The day that we were both discharged from the hospital, Mrs. Grill gave me the web address to her daughter's site, and asked me to set one up for Little, so that we could both follow the other child's health and progress in the months to come. Eventually, I did. (here comes a big leap people...get ready for a big subject change...aaaaand...leap! Excellent.)

A few weeks ago, I logged on to the Grills' caring bridge page to read their latest journal entry and see how their precious little girl was doing. Instead of news on their daughter, I discovered an entry that pleaded with followers of their page to go to another child's page, in order to offer encouragement and strength to the parents of a little boy (who they had met during another one of their hospital stays) who "wasn't doing so well". So along I went, to this other child's site, in order to do what I could for these people who were, I assumed, facing some tough times with their child as he was recovering from an illness or medical condition...something that I felt I was fairly familiar with. Instead, I was found myself completely unprepared for what I found. It seems that just days earlier, the parents of a beautiful baby boy, whose handsome face adorned the welcome page of his care site, had been told that their little guy was most likely not going to make it. My heart about stopped upon reading just the first journal entry. Because I felt like I needed more information on what affliction he was facing and how this could possibly be, I decided that I needed to do a little more digging into past journal entries. I then quickly wished that I hadn't. Reading the loving, heartbroken, fearful words of this mother was nearly more than I could handle. I offered my love and encouragement to them, and then promptly called in to work and took a vacation day so that I could spend the rest of the day hugging and loving my daughters. I found myself a bit sheepish, unable to explain just why the struggle of complete strangers would turn my world upside down so easily, until that evening when I was discussing things with Hubby. "I can't explain it," I told him, "I feel strange about how much this is bothering me. I don't even know these people and I hurt so much for them." His reply? "Or maybe we know them all too well." Indeed. Because this is the exact situation that we work valiantly against everyday, watching Little like a hawk, calling her doctors and nurses at every slight sign of negative heart function, to make sure that this is somewhere that we never find ourselves, on the writing end of journal entries such as these. It all began to make sense.

No matter how hard I tried, or how much I was encouraged not to do so, I found myself unable to not check up on this family over the next few weeks. Hoping for a miraculous recovery, I would log on to their site, first being met with the handsome picture of the sleeping baby boy, so sweet and innocent...and then, inevitably, a disturbing, heart breaking journal update. Slowly, day by day, the little guy was passing away. I remember reading one particular journal entry in which the boy's mother wrote the doctors had told them that they believed that he would be passing soon, and that she and the boys father were as ready as ever for him to go, and hoped that it would be soon. I sobbed. I couldn't help but wonder what kind of emotional torture one must be subjected to in order to be ready for your child to pass away. Was it possible to know this kind of pain without going absolutely mad? I then quickly prayed that I would never find out the answer to that question.

Within a day of the previous entry, came another journal entry...one that I had been praying that I would never see...saying that the little guy had, indeed, passed away. Again, I felt a bit sheepish about how deeply affected I was by this news, but found myself completely unable to check my heart at the door, and I wept for them. I wept for the handsome baby whose face I had only seen in pictures. I wept for the parents who had gotten the kind of news that I don't even allow myself to contemplate as a mother. I wept for the grandparents and aunts and uncles who had seen this precious gift enter the world with so much hope, only to have to let him go so soon. I wept for all of them and, to be honest, more than two weeks later I am still unable to shake the heartache that began the day that I first wandered over to their web page. I wonder if I will ever stop thinking about them, and seeing that little guy's picture in my mind. I wonder if I will ever forget.

How does one go through something like that and survive? How does a parent get up everyday and face the sunrise after losing a child? Is it possible to ever be truly happy, to experience joy again after living through something like that? I don't even know them, and even I feel as if my world has been rocked by what they've been through. I wish I had some insight to offer on this, but must also admit that I am ever so thankful that I have absolutely none, and that I desperately hope that I never do. More than anything on this planet, and beyond...I hope that I never have the answers to these questions.

Happy 8 Months!

Happy 8 months Little girl!! You are simply amazing, beautiful girl!! You blow me away every day with your strength and joy! You are an inspiration to me and everyone who has the fortune to meet you. What a blessing you are.

Love,
Mommy